Premarital Counseling: Concerning Wheat, Tares, and Being Born Again

In an email exchange with a pastor who uses our premarital workbook (1), he mentioned premarital counseling with a couple he wasn’t sure were Christians or who professed some belief, but their lives made him question their conversion. This is a common and likely perplexing situation for pastors. I started a reply with comments and concerns about counseling premarital and married couples, but my brief reply turned into this lengthy commentary, or rather, into a lengthy question.

Could it be that, within the Evangelical church, we don’t have a marriage crisis per se, but rather a faith crisis? Could it be that many problems in the church and within marriages are not because couples are immature Christians and struggling with weak, fleshly bodies and the old nature, but because many in the church are not saved in the first place? Could it be that pastors spend months dealing with people who, although professing Christ, have not had the life of God actually conceived in them? In other words, they are trying to shepherd goats as though they are sheep.

Our Lord said that many who say “Lord, Lord” shall be turned away. These are not people in the world; these are people in the visible church. Many parables say things like, in that day He will separate the goats from the sheep, the tares from the wheat, and the fishing net.

Conversion is not a decision; it’s an invasion

When Jesus said, “You must be born again”, He was talking about something altogether “other” than “accepting Jesus as your personal savior.” A person is born again, not by something they do but by something God does. On the surface of things, we play a part, and it appears we have chosen to accept Jesus, but what actually determines matters is what is going on in the unseen realm–what God is doing behind the scenes.

An example from nature illustrates the point. What makes a person born? What does it take? Does it take a decision or good intentions? Are babies the result of a decision? Not ultimately. Nor are they the result of romantic feelings, or the desire to have children, or any such thing that produces life. What it does take is conception. That can happen whether or not parents plan to have children. It happens, for example, in the case of a teen pregnancy and in the case of rape. Ultimately, it is not the intentions or the motives or the circumstances of intercourse but the fact of conception–the fact of a sperm cell invading the egg.

The point is this: something other than our good intentions and our “decision” must happen to create new life in God. It takes an act of God. It takes the invasion, the penetration of the Holy Spirit, into the spirit of the person. It takes the Spirit of God and the seed (the word) of God penetrating the heart. Being born again is a matter of conception. And being born again is a violent act. It is penetration. It is the invasion of an outside force and an outside person. You were once enemies of God  (as if to say, but now God has invaded your self-fortress and has taken you hostage). You are no longer your own; you have been bought for a price. You are a “prisoner of Christ,” as Paul says.

Granted, the particular response or experience one has to this invasion can be different. A soft heart, having been plowed and worked by God’s Spirit and life circumstances, might experience this invasion as consuming love. For others, it might be more like a battle of the wills as conviction begins to plow the heart or as the hooked fish is reeled in. Even when we were dead in sins, [sin is rebellion] he has made us alive together with Christ . . .  – Eph. 2:5

All that being said, in conception, the child has the nature, the DNA, of its parents. So too, when one is born of the Holy Spirit, he or she has the nature, the DNA, of God. It cannot be otherwise. And God’s DNA produces the fruit of the Holy Spirit, i.e., the character of God. And that corresponds with the death of self. “Unless a grain of wheat falls into the ground and dies, it cannot bear fruit …” That’s DNA talk. That’s “parenthood of God” talk.

Therefore, where there isn’t the fundamental breaking of the self-life, and a break with the love of the world and a change of mind and heart regarding sin, the Holy Spirit has not penetrated, and the seed of self has not been cracked open and died. Such a person is not a child of God. It doesn’t matter what they are on the outside. They don’t have God’s DNA.

I’m asking these questions because of the state of modern Christianity, of many marriages, and of those seeking to marry. The dying-to-self gospel—the radical elements of conversion and the radical demands that Jesus so clearly requires for discipleship and salvation are not being taught in many evangelical churches.

But more than that, it’s an indictment of my own life. I came to Christ in the early 1970′s under a watered-down, easy-beliefism gospel without any deep repentance and without an actual heart-change taking place—without the fundamental and necessary death blow to self. I believed the basic doctrines, attended church consistently, and participated in various ministries. Nevertheless, I limped along in a state of halfway, pseudo conversion and easy believe-ism for many years until the words “Depart from me, I never knew you” began to affect me, and I could no longer excuse the disparity between my inner life and the Word of God.

Until then, it never dawned on me that the scriptures which said things like “if any man is in Christ he is a new creature” actually meant something much greater and “other” than my vapid conversion experience of going forward in a meeting to accept Christ. A converted person has a new nature.  It’s not religious and doctrinal orthodoxy added to the self-life. It is the death of self-life and the birth of one who lives for Christ. Notwithstanding the issues of sanctification, growth, and maturity, a new and different seed is planted in the soil of the heart. If the heart is good soil, that new seed is destined to mature into one who loves God and joyfully obeys Him. He or she doesn’t want to sin. He/she no longer loves sin. He/she detests former ways and is revolted if they come to mind. That, however, was not my experience, but it should be the experience of everyone born of God, if, indeed, the true seed of God is conceived in his heart.  (Rom. 8:9)

“He shall save us from our [love of] sins”  – Matt 1:21

Again, speaking personally, I have loved sin, clung to sin, held to sin as entertainment, and gone through the never-ending cycle of sorrow and repentance that produced no change, all the while attending church faithfully on Wednesday nights and Sundays, participating in Bible studies, and being in lay ministry.

Question:  Is such a person converted?

The general idea (or what I chose to hear) is that, since we still struggle with the flesh, we shouldn’t expect too much; we shouldn’t expect to overcome sin. “After all, brother, we all struggle with various issues. We’re only human, so don’t be too hard on yourself.” That was comforting; I could live with that kind of faith. If I’m not mistaken, that is a fairly common sentiment within Christianity, and yet Jesus said, “If your hand offends you, cut it off.” Granted, we do not take that literally. The problem is that we don’t take it seriously.

The issue is exacerbated because, once indoctrinated into that kind of halfway Christianity, it’s very difficult to recognize the problem and to go back and start over at the foot of the cross with the gospel demands of an actual conversion of one’s heart and nature. That, plus the fact that we are exhorted not to doubt our faith, and so we limp along thinking our life is normal Christianity.

Scripture: Examine Yourself

Just as with Mormons, the Evangelical religious system can be so thoroughly entrenched in our lives that we don’t even question our faith in the light of the plain word of God. One may think in himself, “I work hard and diligently, I go to church regularly, I tithe, I’m deeply involved in ministry. (I’m even a pastor.) I’m a good husband and father …a good wife and mother, I do community service, and I’m active in children’s sports and otherwise involved in the community.” Yet all these things the Mormons do, and candidly, (notwithstanding their motives), may I submit they often do a better job of it than we Evangelicals do?

Jesus said keeping his commandments is the same as loving Him. Yet, the commandments can be kept for motives other than love, for example, to earn salvation. Obeying out of love for Him and the loving desire to please Him are the only acceptable motives. Peter’s restoration was not predicated upon what he would do in Christ’s name but upon Jesus asking him, “Do you love me?”

People who love Jesus joyfully want to obey and please Him because His words and His ways are the light of life and the path of all goodness and joy. The love of God, the fear of God, and joyful obedience to God are bound together as one.

Getting back to marriage counseling, the first question for pastors to ask couples in crisis might not be “What’s the problem” or “How may we serve you.” But rather (as one pastor I know asks) “So, when did you stop fearing God?” That would get a person’s attention and cause abrupt silence—kind of a smack in the head that stops couples (and their excuses) in their tracks. That’s tackling the issue head-on, don’t you think?

Peter? …do you love me?” 

It wasn’t a question that Jesus asked in a sentimental mood. It is, in fact, the rock upon which His Church is built.

(1) Building Your Marriage Upon the Rock  – Mike Williamson  – ISBN: 978-0-9794715-1-3
Available at  http://www.genesis224.com  and Amazon